You’ve spent a large portion of your life putting love, energy, and focus into your child. Although you are proud and excited for their next chapter, it’s completely normal to feel unsure or even scared of your own. How you deal with empty nest syndrome can make all the difference.
Understanding Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty nest grief can manifest as intense anxiety, loneliness, fear, frustration, or depression when your child goes to college. Some parents also feel apathetic or numb. These symptoms can become physical, causing changes in sleep or appetite and decreased energy.
While some parents may have an easier transition, it’s not unusual to struggle during this time. That said, it might be especially difficult if you:
- Have only one child
- Are a single parent
- Have an existing mental health condition
- Have experienced certain traumas
- Are going through other major stressors at the same time
- Have limited responsibilities or support beyond your role as a parent
5 Tips for Starting Over After Your Children Leave Home
The first step in coping with loneliness after your children leave home is to acknowledge the truth of your experience. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You might be anxious about how your relationship with your child will change or nervous about what this new era means for your marriage. You may even find yourself excited about the possibilities, yet guilty about your joy.
No matter the emotions this experience stirs within you, it’s important to accept and honor them without pressuring yourself to react in a certain way. Once you’ve done that, you can begin to reshape your life. These are five tips to get you started:
1. Get Acquainted With Yourself
Part of many parents’ apprehension after their child leaves is an identity crisis. You may be unsure of who you are without the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting. Take some time to get to know yourself again, whether through self-reflection, journaling or just trying new things to see what draws your interest. You could:
- Learn something new: Education isn’t just for the kids heading to college! Learn a new skill or immerse yourself in a specific topic by taking a college class, downloading a language-learning app, or researching your family tree.
- Revisit old passions: Maybe you used to love dance, art, or camping, but had little time for it after becoming a parent. Now’s the time to revisit those interests and remind yourself why you loved them in the first place.
- Explore different hobbies: Hobbies are a great way to keep busy when your children move out. Look into cooking classes, music lessons, starting a culinary garden, or joining a trivia team.
- Focus on your health: Many parents put their own well-being on hold while caring for their child. Schedule any wellness appointments you’ve put off, visit a spa, or start a new fitness regime to start this next chapter feeling your best.
- Set new goals: Goals are a great way to keep your mind focused on something else while challenging yourself. Ideas include running a marathon, visiting every national or state park in your area, improving your bowling score, or starting a home renovation project.
Don’t get too caught up in trying to be exactly who you were before parenting — while you might have many of the same interests, this is also a great time to explore other possibilities.
2. Reconnect With Your Partner
Reconnecting with your partner can help you find stability and feel supported during this transition. Just as you have to get to know yourself again, it’s also important to get acquainted with this new version of your spouse. Some date night ideas for empty nesters include recreating memorable dates of the past or planning themed outings or nights in curated around a shared interest.
Many couples put off their own wants while raising children. One way to get excited about your new free time is to make an “if only” list together. For example, you might have found yourself thinking, “I would love to see this band in concert! If only I had a free weekend to go,” or “Planning a trip to Europe would be incredible — if only we didn’t have to prioritize buying a new family car.” Write down all those instances you can remember and plan to make them a reality now that you have more time or financial flexibility.
If you’re struggling to communicate or connect with your partner, many find that couples counseling can be helpful during this time.
3. Find a Community
Some of the best advice for new empty nesters is to focus on building a community of supportive people. Even if you’re already surrounded by loved ones, making new friends can do wonders for your mental health. Some places to look include:
- Local clubs or organizations
- Shared interest groups
- Group fitness classes
- Meetups with other empty nesters
- Book or art clubs
- Hiking groups
4. Focus on Nurturing Others
If part of your grief stems from your love of nurturing others, there are many ways you can continue spreading that kindness, such as:
- Volunteering with disadvantaged populations
- Teaching English or literacy through your local library or education center
- Coaching kids’ sports teams
- Taking in an exchange student
- Fostering a pet from a local rescue
- Organizing fundraisers and donation drives
- Becoming a mentor
5. Know When to Seek Help
Your child leaving home for the first time can be a difficult transition, and it’s normal to need time to adapt. However, it may be time to reach out to a professional counselor if you:
- Experience worsening symptoms or symptoms that aren’t improving over time
- Feel anxiety, stress, or depression that starts to interfere with your well-being or daily life
- Begin isolating yourself from loved ones
- No longer find pleasure in things you used to enjoy
- Have experienced unexplained weight loss or gain
- Feel exhausted all the time, even after sleeping well
- Have had changes in appetite
- Are misusing substances
Some of these signs might be hard to notice in yourself, especially if you have high-functioning anxiety or depression. It’s important to listen to loved ones if they voice concern over changes in your personality, appearance, or health. The good news is that you don’t have to do this alone — therapy can be an incredibly rewarding part of your journey.
Navigating Your New Role as Parent to an Adult Child
While you will never stop being a parent to your child, the nature of your relationship will change as they enter young adulthood. Remember, this is an equally scary time for them — be mindful of the language you use when sharing your feelings. It’s OK to let them know you miss them, but don’t make them feel like it’s their responsibility to ease your emotions. Instead of expressing disappointment if they haven’t called in a while, ask how they would prefer to stay in touch.
It’s normal to feel anxious about your child’s new environment and the decisions they will face. It’s important to support their independence without hovering or disrespecting their boundaries. Offer advice when asked, but encourage them to trust their instincts and have confidence in the person you’ve raised. In time, you might be surprised how much you enjoy this new version of your relationship.
Embrace Your Next Chapter With Merrimack Valley Psychological Associates
Your child leaving home is a major life transition, but it’s not one you have to face alone. The compassionate counselors at Merrimack Valley Psychological Associates are here to help you understand and cope with your feelings and reconnect with yourself in this new era. Contact us today to get started.
Are you curious about our counseling services? Our Frequently Asked Questions page can help you learn more before you decide. To schedule an appointment, contact us through our online form or give us a call at (978) 482-7351.