Family means many different things to different people. Some people associate family with love and security, while others might have complicated feelings about their familial relationships. Family is highly valued, and rightfully so. But that value should be earned by the people in a family. Everyone has the right to create and maintain healthy boundaries, even with their family members.
When we come together to spend time with our relatives, many of us wonder how to avoid unpleasant opinions, questions and demands about our personal lives. Now is a good time to evaluate your needs and set boundaries with family. Of course, that’s easier said than done. Use these helpful tips for setting boundaries with family members.
1. Recognize Your Right to Boundaries
“Because we’re family” is a common justification for ignoring boundaries. Parents, siblings or extended family members may feel entitled to ignore your boundaries simply because you’re related. In reality, you have a right to establish boundaries for your own well-being.
Your family does not have the right to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Setting boundaries with your family begins with recognizing that you have the right to speak up. Once you acknowledge that setting boundaries is not an insult to your family, you can begin to think about what your limits are.
2. Evaluate Your Needs
What boundaries are most important to you? Some common, healthy boundaries surround issues like:
- Privacy: You have a right to privacy, even if you’re staying at a family member’s home. Many people experience violation of privacy by family members claiming they’re acting out of love. Family members may violate your right to privacy by going through your personal belongings or your phone under the guise of caring about you. If you don’t feel comfortable with this, it’s perfectly reasonable to keep your belongings and messages private.
- Control: Many people express frustration with family members’ desire to control their lives. For example, parents may push too hard for adult children to have children of their own, which is a deeply personal choice. Family may openly push to control your career and relationship choices, again telling you it’s for your own good. You are in control of your life, and you do not need to listen to unsolicited opinions.
- Criticism: Family members can sometimes be our harshest critics. They may openly judge your appearance, your partner or your personal choices. Explaining when you are not open to criticism is a healthy boundary.
- Anger: Anger can be a common thread woven through contentious family relationships. You do not have to put up with being yelled at or otherwise being a target of family anger. You do not need to tolerate bullies, even if the people in question are your family.
3. Prepare Yourself
If you need to set boundaries with family members, take time to prepare yourself before you see them. Mentally review the boundaries you want to build and think about how you will introduce them to your family. You can follow these steps:
- Make a list: Once you have an idea of what boundaries are most important to you, it can be helpful to actually write them down. When you see your family in person, it may be easy to fall into familiar patterns and to let your boundaries dissolve. This list can help to remind you of what boundaries you want and why they’re important.
- Think about potential pushback: Don’t be surprised if you face pushback when you set boundaries. Mentally prepare yourself for family members to test or try to break your boundaries.
- Prepare your response: Consider your potential responses to pushback. Thinking about conversations ahead of time will make it easier to maintain your boundaries.
4. Communicate Your Boundaries
All the thinking you do before actually setting your boundaries is a great start. Next, you’ll need to communicate those boundaries to your family members. Exactly how you want to have that conversation is up to you. You can set expectations upfront before you even see your family. You can also wait to have this important conversation in person. You know best how to communicate with your family. The important thing is to have a conversation about your boundaries.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Say No
Boundaries are all about saying no to the people who do not respect your wishes. Saying no can be difficult, particularly when it comes to family members who are used to getting their way. Remember that you have the right to say no to anyone who tests or disregards your boundaries. You’ve set them for your own mental health. You can use the acronym JADE to remember that you are under no obligation to justify, argue, defend or explain your boundaries.
It’s also completely OK to walk away when you feel uncomfortable, or you’re caught in a tense conversation. Avoiding conflicts and physically distancing yourself from the situation can help you conserve emotional and mental energy. Walking away is especially helpful if your family’s behavior makes you feel like you could lose your temper or become too angry to speak. Removing yourself can be the best way to preserve your boundaries when you feel angry or anxious.
6. Put Your Needs First
Setting healthy boundaries with family starts with prioritizing yourself. When you’ve decided it’s not OK for family members to criticize you or name-call, ensure you treat yourself with the same respect. You might even set boundaries for yourself. Remind yourself that your family’s reaction to you says nothing about who you are as a person.
While it can be easy to get caught in a cycle of giving too much, recognize that your needs are just as important as others. You might remind yourself to take as much as you give, for instance. Remember that setting boundaries isn’t about being rude, but rather about taking care of yourself. Prioritize your own needs and take time to do the things that make you happy. Get plenty of sleep, eat a healthy diet and keep up with your hobbies to care for your mental and physical health.
7. Reinforce Your Boundaries
Once you set boundaries, you’ll need to reinforce them. Your limits do not protect you if you allow family members to constantly disrespect them. You can reinforce your boundaries by:
- Giving reminders: Being vocal about your boundaries ensures family members cannot claim they forgot what you have communicated. If you think you’re about to be in a situation that will put your boundaries to the test, feel free to remind your family about your limits.
- Calling out violations: If your family is known to push your buttons, it’s likely they will violate your boundaries at some point. If it does happen, speak up and reiterate the boundary. If you allow a violation to slide, your family can use it as justification to continue the same behavior.
- Following through on consequences: Words are not always enough. When you communicate your boundaries, take some time to detail the consequences of ignoring them. If you tell your family you will remove yourself from the situation following the trampling of a boundary, follow through. If you’re traveling from out of town to meet family, this might mean having a plan in place in case you need to remove yourself from the gathering. Consider having your own transportation or staying at a hotel so you have an option to step back if necessary.
8. Reach Out for Support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you need it. Whether it’s from a friend, partner or professional, having someone to rely on in difficult times is crucial. Talking to people outside of your situation can help you gain insight and clarity, while doing fun activities with loved ones can provide a healthy distraction. Remember to take time to distance yourself from family as needed and do fun activities with your support system.
Mental health professionals can also help you set healthy boundaries with family and empower you with specific skills. For instance, in therapy, you can identify the personal boundaries you want to set. Professionals can also help you understand what the process could look like when you need additional support or encouragement. You can gain helpful communication tips and self-care strategies to help you prioritize yourself and stay firm every step of the way.
9. Know That It’s an Ongoing Process
Throughout your journey of setting boundaries with family, remember that change won’t happen overnight — especially when dealing with a long history of complicated family dynamics. Setting realistic expectations can help you feel better about the process and ease you through with less stress. It can take different strategies, conversations and adjustments before your family adheres to your boundaries.
Remember that teaching others how you want to be treated will take time. It can feel overwhelming at first, but it will get easier. Boundaries can also change with time, but no matter how they evolve, prioritizing yourself to have healthier, more meaningful relationships with family members should remain the same.
Contact Merrimack Valley Psychological Associates for Support
Setting boundaries can seem like a monumental task — one that you can’t always do on your own, and that’s OK. If you need help to set boundaries to get you through family gatherings, our professionals are here to get you started.
We offer a wide range of counseling services at Merrimack Valley Psychological Associates. Our team helps people cope with anxiety, depression, grief, stress and much more. We’re here to learn about your relationships and to help you build the skills you need to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Reach out today to schedule your first appointment.
Reviewed By
Dr. David Rainen, PsyD.
I am a licensed clinical psychologist with an extensive background treating a variety of different ages, situations, emotional and mental health disorders in individuals and their families. As part of my 10 year professional and training career in psychology, I have developed and refined my skills and approaches through my work in a variety of diverse settings including: hospitals, community outpatient facilities, college counseling centers, secure and unsecure inpatient/residential treatment programs, and therapeutic day schools.